Drive-thru cash machines

I’m pleased to inform customers that the Yorkshire Bank are now installing the Next Generation of new “Drive-thru” cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).

Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

The Queen dies etc

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of themets in. The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The angel says, “OK, your Majesty, you may go in.”

Dolly is outraged and asks, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” says the angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

Sign up with BT? I don’t think so

I’m moving into a new house next week. I’m doing this, along with my two housemates, because our landlady has sold the house we’re in. As much as we like this place, we’re having to shift.

Not to worry, our new place is really nice. I’ve got this great attic room and the whole house has been redecorated and refurbished with some pretty decent furniture.

The only things we have to sort out ourselves are the phone, internet access and TV. I’d seen the adverts for BT Total Broadband on the telly and was instantly intrigued. 8MB Broadband, a free wireless router and IP phone for £26 a month – seems great!

Naturally I’d need to get the phone line connected, so that would be an additional cost of £11 a month. There’s a sky dish already installed so we’d be able to get the Entertainment Mix for £21 a month. £58 a month in total.

Unfortunately there was another cost that BT suggested might be payable. The phone line would need to be reconnected and tested at a potential cost of £129. £129! I bloody well think not! Naturally I enquired of the young lady on the sales line why this might need to be paid – she said that as the line was already ceased (from when the owner lived there) that there’s no guarantee that the line would work.

The thing is, being a telecomms engineer I know how much bullshit this is. They may have to repatch our line into some distribution frame somewhere but the rest of the connection is all done by various BT systems. They can test the line from the comfort of their own office without having to get their fat arses out into the open air. Even if the line is broken, why the hell should I have to pay for it?

Naturally I declined their kind offer and have now signed up for a cheaper option from NTL. OK, NTL haven’t got the best service in the world, but my current connection is with them and I’ve had few complaints about them so far. I’m going to get 4MB Broadband, free evening and weekend calls (with itemised billing) and the Family Pack for £51 a month. As far as I can see they’re not going to charge for installation!

We’ll see how wise this decision is, but I’m buggered if I’m going to fork out for unnecessary costs.

Strippers at last (kind of)




Ooooh la la

Originally uploaded by rutty.

It’s sad, but I’m back in the UK. Not that it’s bad to be back here but I’ve really enjoyed my time in Toronto. I’ll miss everyone, not least my sister and nieces, but I’m sure that I’ll be back (hopefully with some saucy company!) in the not too distant future.

At least I got to see some pole-dancers before I left, as can be seen by the racy photo on the right over there. OK, so they’re not real but that’s the best I could do – Jilly’s was off limits, and let’s face it I’ve no need for such things at the moment anyway (sorry to disappoint you HJ).

The exotic dancers in question are actually part of the Henry Moore exhibit in the Art Gallery of Ontario. It’s a bit strange but they’re pasted all over the walls in the gallery where Moore’s sculpures are displayed. I’m not sure if this is temporary while the AGO undergoes it’s transformation but it seems a strange juxtaposition.

The AGO is short of displays at the moment but the new building looks like it’s going to be amazing and it’s still worth a visit even now.

Anyway, farewell for now Toronto and I’ll be seeing you again soon.

Niagara Falls




Water, water

Originally uploaded by rutty.

How bloody impressive are the Niagara Falls eh?

This was my second visit there but the Falls still took my breath away. The first time I went was in January a few years ago and as the river was frozen over the Maid of the Mist wasn’t running. This time we boarded the famous Falls tourist attraction that takes you right up to the base of the larger, Canadian waterfall.

We were drenched, but standing on the deck of the boat at the base of the falls is absolutely spectacular. The sheer force of the water becomes all too apparent when you’re right underneath it. If you ever go to Niagara Falls the you really have to do this.

The American side is a little boring in comparison but still impressive. The yanks must be a little upset that the bigger, and most spectacular, waterfall is in Canada.

We weren’t too lucky with the weather. We’ve been here nearly two weeks now and this has been the only day where the sun didn’t come out. Even more galling was the fact that the sun peeked out while we were on the coach heading back to Toronto, so none of my Niagara photos show much blue sky at all.

I fly back tomorrow too so Flickr can start breathing more easily after the strain I’ve placed on their servers with my increased uploading. I’ve taken over 600 photos so far and uploaded about 170 or so of those. Hurrah for digital cameras!

Special Russian Sauce

The food here in Toronto is pretty good. Well, as good as you’d expect in a big city. There are plenty of decent places to eat and we’ve tried a few while we’ve been here.

One place we found by accident was What A Bagel on Yonge. We decided to have breakfast here one day and it was delicious, so as we were in the same area yesterday we revisited.

I had one of the specials – a 6oz steak with potatoes, two eggs, some other bits and pieces and what was described as “Our Special Russian Sauce”. The sauce looked interesting in it’s little pot on the side of the plate – a nice dark brown colour – so I dipped a piece of steak in it (which was really delicious) and tasted it.

I said to my girlfriend that I thought it tasted just like HP Sauce and she replied that I was correct – she’d watched the chef squirt it into the pot from behind the counter. I turned round, and there it was – a large bottle of not Russian at all HP Sauce, complete with it’s image of the Houses of Parliament on the label.

Never mind, it kind of suited my breakfast.

The Islands




Centre Island

Originally uploaded by rutty.

Yesterday was a family day, so we were still lacking a visit to one of those dodgy bars with pictures of racy ladies outside. Maybe tomorrow.

Instead of a strip joint we took the kids to The Centre Island, one of the 14 islands that stretch out into Lake Ontario. It’s a short ferry ride to the dock of the island during which we get some spectacular views back towards the city. It was a little hazy so the pictures I took didn’t look so great, but I already have some of that view from last year. No biggie.

The islands are great for kids. There’s loads of park space and a couple of playgrounds plus stretches of sandy beaches too. My nieces had a great time while we had a picnic before pushing other kids off their favourite part of the climbing frame in the playground.

My girlfriend and I disappeared off on a tour around the island for 45 minutes where we were driven past the “clothing optional” beach. I was tempted to stop but I didn’t want the other guys there to feel too inadequate. Sadly several grassy banks prevented us from viewing the tanning lovelies but I did get to see some fat bloke wearing a skimpy white thong. Which was nice.

Tour finished, we headed off for a walk around the boardwalk and an over-prices ice-cream before catching the ferry home. We all really enjoyed it.

Today was spent walking around down-town drinking the occasion beer and watching the football (Spain were lucky, though looked pretty decent in stretches).

Tomorrow is party time at the Duke of Gloucester where we have tickets to watch the England game with other rowdy footy fans.