I’m going to be killed for this

It’s been a while since I posted a joke, so here’s one from my work email:

A boy asked his mother the following question:

‘Mum, why are wedding dresses white?’

The mother looks at her son and replies: ‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

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A Canny Salesman

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered “Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle.”

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”

The Geordie said “Just the one, Marra.”

The manager groaned and continued “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

£124,237.64″ replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin’ fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki”.

The manager, incredulous, said “You mean to tell me….a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4?”
..
“Nah, nah……he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said……… ‘Well, since ya weekend’s fucked, you might as well gan fishing.”

Paddy, Mick & the Pigs

Paddy and Mick, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Mick and said, “Mick, me ol’ mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin’ pig?”

Mick says “Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my pig, and ten we can tell ’em apart”

“Ah tat’d be grand” says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. “Mick” he said “Your fookin’ pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin’ pig. Now we got two fookin’ pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?”

“Well Paddy” said Mick “I’ll cut ta other ear off my fookin’ pig. Ten we’ll av two fookin’ pigs and only one of them will avan ear”

“Ah tat’d be grand” says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. “Mick” he said “Your fookin’ pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin’ pig. Now we got two fookin’ pigs with no fookin’ ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?”

“Ah tis serious, Paddy” said Mick “I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. I’ll cut ta tail offa my fookin’ pig, ten we’ll av two fookin’ pigs with no fookin’ ears and only one fookin’ tail.”

“Ah tat’d be grand” says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

“Mick!” shouted Paddy. “Your fookin’ pig has chewed the fookin’ tail offa my fookin’ pig and now we got two fookin’ pigs with no fookin’ ears and no fookin’ tails! How the fook are we ever gonna tell ’em apart?!”

“Ah fook it!” says Mick “How’s about you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one”

Random selection of one-liners

Stolen shamelessly from tMP

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said,”Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So there I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

A full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.'”

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said Eurostar?”. I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman “Has my brother been in?” Barman says “I dunno, what’s he look like?”

I know it’s only November but…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells”.

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s soiled panties.

Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carols”

Possibly racist joke

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

“There’s just one problem” she says. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don�t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?” The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby” he says confidently.

“Um, excuse me” says the West Indian “but I think it’s fairly obvious that this is my son.”

The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to take the risk”