Blow up them varmits

Do you have problems with moles in your garden? Got some other burrowing creature making unsightly holes in your perfectly manicured lawn? Then worry no longer, simply use the Varmit Getter and nuke their sorry arses into oblivion!

This ingenius device pumps an oxygen/propane mix into those little critters’ tunnels then ignites it, creating a scene straight out of Apololypse Now. It safely and conveniently provides your own little furry creature genocide, right in your garden.

Excellent! Found via Boing Boing

Black Metal Denied

Those of you in Malaysia (and I know I must have literally dozens of readers over there) will be saddened to find out that you are no longer able to listen to, or perform, Black Metal or to take part in Black Metal culture.

The Malay authorities have announced that such activities are “a deviation from Islamic teachings” but no doubt they just want Malaysians to be just be a little more cheerful. Apparently Leonard Cohen is the next for the ban stick along with The Smiths and The Cure.

Goodbye Marconi

Monday saw a sad day for one of the biggest names in Electronics, not that it was noticed by the mainstream media. On Monday Ericsson completed their acquisition of the Anglo-Italian technology firm, my employer, and Marconi ceased to exist.

I now work for Ericsson. I see this as a good thing in that they’re a much larger, truly global company with much better prospects. In the last couple of years Marconi have just about been getting by – the costs of almost going bust being too much to really make us a true player in our industry anytime in the near future. Ericsson are a perfect fit for our portfolio and I’m hoping that I’ll have an enjoyable, worthwhile job with them for years to come.

Ericsson only actually bought about 75% of Marconi. The bits that are left are now called telent – a Services company that will provide all the necessary field staff to maintain and repair telecomms networks. I hope they do well.

It’s been strange this week walking into work and noticing that all the Marconi signs have been replaced by Ericsson ones. It’ll take a while for everything to right itself and there’ll be an inevitable round of redundancies (which I’m hoping I won’t be part of!) but things are looking up.

Shagging is good stress relief

It’s amazing what conclusions some scientists come up with. Some reseachers at the University of Paisley have found out that a good old shag can help with public speaking.

Obviously not at the same time, but those that have engaged in penetrative sex find that they are less stressed at public speaking than those that have either abstained or just had a swift one off the wrist.

New Scientist magazine reports that Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley, found having sex can help keep stress at bay.

However, only penetrative intercourse did the trick – other forms of sex had no impact on stress levels at all.

They had to get volunteers for this research. No doubt they separated them into different groups – Shaggers and Wankers. The research is a little unclear if you happen to fit happily into both groups.

The Liberal Democrats must have had an earlier exposure to this article as it seems that they’ve been doing a bit of research of their own.

Found via Boing Boing.

I was very drunk at the time

This weekend saw me take part in the Butlins Mineworkers Brass Band Contest set in the magnificent vistas of Butlins in Skegness. This event enabled me to imbibe an abnormally large quantity of alcoholic beverages over a period of three days while still finishing third in the second section.

We were pleased with the result – third is an excellent prize to win in such a big contest like this – but as we were defending champions there was also a sense of disappointment. Well done to Kippax for winning – by all accounts their performance deserved the top prize. Let’s hope that we meet them at the National Finals later in the year!

The rest of the weekend was spent listening to the Championship Section bands and getting pissed. Sadly, I couldn’t do both at once but at least the break between beers gave my liver chance to recover. The top section contest was excellent. There were some fantastic bands on display and some wonderful performances of the Kenneth Downie composition St Magnus, which must turn out to be a modern classic piece. It’s a masterpiece and very difficult to boot. Most bands gave it a good go though.

The entertainments part of the contest was brilliant also, especially Redbridge’s performance of King of Heaven by Kenneth Downie, another piece of music based on a hymn but an utterly wonderful set finisher. I’m really going to get a copy of that from somewhere.

I thought that Mount Charles were going to win the overall contest but they finished much lower down that. A bit of a surprise to me (I thought they were excellent) but I’m no adjudicator, and as they say: “that’s banding”. Well done to Polysteel (Flowers) for winning – they were also superb.

I’ll definately be back next year.

Tampon shopping

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers ’cause it’s sooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own – so does she.”

David Letterman hairy chest photos

Whoever entered the phrase “David Letterman hairy chest photos” into a search engine (and found my site my accident) I’d just like to say: “you sick bastard!” Not as sick as the person who came here looking for “exploding baby” though.

Other disconcerting search phrases that have ended up directing people to this site are as follows:

jade goody pics (or naked/topless) make up a large proportion of searches
blg (not sure if they found what they were looking for)
gordon brown glass eye
colonic irrigation nottingham
adjust testicles and penis joke
nizlopi autistic?
mcarthur glenn mansfield directions (Junction 28 on the M1 – just follow the signs!)
pics of monkeys fucking
mansfield nottinghamshire sexy stuff (let me know if you find any)
need a wank.co.uk (!)
workplace arseholes

These were all searched for this month. Hope you enjoyed your visit even if you didn’t find where to get your arse cleaned out or anything about Gordon Brown’s artificial eye.