Cyber hugs

A bunch of concerned researchers in Singapore have been developing technology that will allow absent parents to “hug” their kids over the internet. They’ve designed a “wireless vibration jacket” that can simulate activity from from a person connected from anywhere in the world, potentially to ex-“rock” stars in Vietnam no doubt.

Initially they’ve decided to test this technology on chickens first. It’s no entirely clear why they’ve chosen chickens for this, but perhaps there are also aiming for the rural American market where people might be more familiar with their fowl.

“The end objective eventually is to allow people to transmit touch over the internet. At this stage, they are really using chickens as a first stage test.”

It looks like there could be potential for all sorts of alternative uses for this. I can think of plenty of items that could be sold via Ann Summers or similar. Alternatively you could have some sort of cap that could give you a remote Indian head massage or a pair of pants that your friends could use to punch you in the nuts if you’re an idiot. Or, whatever.

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The joys of Psychoneuroendocrinology

Love dies. You can’t get away from it. Once the first year or so of a new relationship has passed the chemicals in your brain no longer give you that feeling of euphoria that you had the first time you clapped eyes on your partner, so says new research by some Italian geeks.

The University of Pavia found a brain chemical was likely to be responsible for the first flush of love.

Researchers said raised levels of a protein was linked to feelings of euphoria and dependence experienced at the start of a relationship.

This means that your brain is making you feel happy when you meet your beau. There are increased levels of nerve growth factor (NGF) proteins that make your heart go boom buddy boom buddy boom buddy boom buddy boom boom boom, as Peter Sellers would no doubt say. You’d better hope that once these things wear off that you actually have a decent relationship at the end of it all, otherwise it’s dump-city for you.

Bible warning label

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usI posted the image on the left onto a forum that I frequent last week, quite funny it is too, but I unfortunately hosted it myself rather than plonking it onto ImageShack first. Naturally some pillock posted the image onto more popular blog (Attu – Google for it if you’re brave. NSFW) thus spreading the link across a greatly increased number of people.

I had way over 50,000 hits on that 71k image and it’s caused an increase of my monthly bandwidth usage by nearly 4GB. I obviously can’t afford to maintain that throughput, so I’ve removed it from my hosting. Tough shit for those that were directly linking it to here – people really should learn to host images themselves if they’re going to reuse stuff like this – but if you really want to see the image you’ll have click on the thumbnail, or if the bandwidth exceeds there too you can find the page HERE.

The image isn’t mine. I found it via my work email and I have no idea of it’s origin, probably someone on the b3ta site or somewhere similar. It’s very funny though.

Back to winning ways

After our disappointing 4th (and last) position at the Leicester contest last week, my band Carlton Brass had a much better result at Leamington Spa yesterday. We came 1st with our earnest rendition of Eric Ball’s Sinfonietta – The Wayfarer.

We had a much better write-up from the adjudicator this time, Derek Broadbent, who seemed to like our performance a lot better than the guy at Leicester, even though our interpretation was pretty much the same. This is the what pre-empts the phrase “that’s contesting” in that it’s all down to the man in the box. One week you win, another you come right down the order with similar performances or it can seem that way sometimes.

The unfortunate thing about yesterday’s win was the fact that there were only two bands in the second section. Thankfully both bands played really well, so well done for Stourport for playing so well in their performance of Laudate Dominum. Hopefully there’ll be more bands next year, though as Stourport have been promoted to the first section I really hope some other bands sign up!

I also played with Ibstock Brick Brass in the first section who played Lorenzo, the same piece as Pontins. They played much better than at Pontins and came a creditable 5th out of 9 (I think). I was already heading back for my tea when the results were announce there so I’m not too sure.

I love playing at these Contests. It’s a real challenge to play some of these pieces and it’s always good to make some music in front of an audience.

JCB Song

I don’t normally try and keep up with any of these modern beat combos, but there is one song at the moment that is really catching my eye. The JCB Song by Nizlopi has to be one of the finest songs released this year, and I’ve just seen the video on MTV Hits. How bloody cool is that?

I highly recommend checking it out. They’ve got Bruce Lee and everything! It’s released as a single on the 12th of December and it’s loads better than that shite that Robbie Williams has released.

Matches don’t start fires, rappers do

Rather than blaming the recent French riots on lawless anarchists or disaffected immigrants, a French MP has come forward and cited seven Rappers as being key to the events leading up to France’s big bonfire event.

A French MP has publicly accused rappers of fuelling the country’s recent riots with their songs.

It comes a day after 200 politicians backed his petition calling for legal action against seven rap musicians and bands it alleges have incited racism.

MP Francois Grosdidier told France-Info radio it was no surprise youths “saw red” after listening to violent lyrics.

Naturally, the riots couldn’t have possibly been started due to France’s attitude to it’s immigrants, or even because the country is full of imbeciles with too much time on their hands and boxes full of matches. One scapegoat coming up s’il vous plait.

It’s astonishing that these people in charge are so detached from reality. Fine, some people are influenced by music culture into adopting a certain lifestyle or buying appalling clothes and jewellery but if you have three weeks of rioting all over your country then you’ve got more deep-rooted problems than some Rapper swearing and causing offence to delicate middle-classes.

Perhaps these MPs should be looking closer to home. Try examining your internal politics. Try finding out why people living in your country are so unhappy that they’re driven into lawlessness.

Little Tony

This one is courtesy of my boss. I’ve given up trying to maintain any sort of quality here, so feel free to understand that this might be a bit crap.

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Tony.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Tony says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Tony replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

LITTLE TONY ON MATHS

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father ?

“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3?” I said “6”, replies Tony.

“But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!”

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Tony says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Tony, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Tony says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, ‘Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Reprise)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.”

She said, “Excellent, Michael !” Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Tony.

“Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'”

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

Little Tony replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Tony answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.”