Holding my farts in

I must have been inadvertantly holding in the gas last night while I was in bed. I can tell, because when I woke up this morning I had terrible pains in my colon area and I had trouble farting.

I’ve no idea why this would happen but I’m thinking that there was some issues with inwards pressure keeping it all in. I walked all the way to work with this pain and it was causing me considerable discomfort.

The only thing for it was to let it all out, so I visited the little boy’s room when I got to work. After a lengthy fart-fest I felt much better.

Hmmm, perhaps I should maybe be keeping this sort of stuff to myself….

Scruffy, lazy twat

For the first time ever I’ve come into work in jeans and t-shirt – usually I dress smartly in shirt, trousers and shoes, sometimes with a tie. However, all my shirts require ironing and I was feeling too tired (read, lazy) to be arsed with doing that last night, so I’ve put on my only clean, non-creased clothes to come to work in.

I’ve not even had a shave. Thankfully most of the other workers here are already jean-wearing, unshaven scruffy gits, and so I’m fitting in rather well.

I don’t feel like I’m fit for work though, so I suspect that I shall be having to break out my iron this afternoon to make sure that I’ve got sufficient smart clothing for next week. I’ve got a huge pile of ironing to do, so I’ll see how far down I can get down that before getting too bored. I should think it will not be very far…

PC World = shite

I’ve been looking for a 4-port USB2 PCI card this week and I thought I’d just pop down to PC World to see what they had. I’ve been buying loads from the internet recently and sometimes it’s nice to actually go to a shop.

What a waste of pissing time.

They had a few packs of USB PCI cards, some in kits bundled with hubs, some just as they are, and the cheapest I could find on the shelf was this 3-port (2 external, 1 internal) – for £29.99! Next door is Maplins, and there weren’t much better either. Rip off!

I’ve found a decent one from ebuyer.co.uk for £6.54! Plus, it has FOUR external ports in it. I’m not leaving the house to go shopping for PC gear ever again, there’s just no point at all.

Had a good blow

I’ve been blowing like a good ‘un all weekend. I’m quite proud of myself ;o)

Friday saw me playing at a concert with my own band Carlton Brass. We played at a posh do at Lakeside Conference place just outside Nottingham on the way to Mansfield. I’d link to it, but I’m lazy.

I helped out a different band on Saturday morning/afternoon in Eastwood, just outside the library. Thornton’s Brass were short of a cornet player so I helped out there.

Today I’ve been blowing even more! I helped out Nottingham City Transport Band (our sister band) at a park job in Mansfield this afternoon, then I got a phone-call at 5:30 from my conductor asking how my lip was – he was conducting Rolls Royce (Derby) at a different park job in Long Eaton and they were short of a player or two also, so what was I to do? I blew for them too.

Just as well there was nothing worth watching on the telly. I enjoyed all four jobs very much, and I’m more than willing to pimp out my services to other bands in the Nottingham area, just as long as they don’t interfere with Carlton Brass jobs and rehearsals.

Smell: source found

p>Over the last week or so my room has become rather wiffy. I wasn’t sure why – I’d done all my washing, cleaned up and made sure that the room was fresh with repeated doses of Febreze on various fabrics, but the smell remained.

Today, I discovered the source. I have a concert tonight so I dug out my uniform, and bugger me, but in one of the pockets of my uniform jacket was a cheese triangle – Camembert nonetheless. It was all squished and soft and not very nice-smelling – it had found it’s way all the way from France and I’d forgotten all about it.

I didn’t eat it.

Fart Rugby

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “it’s fart Rugby.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Try and conversion – 7points each”.

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Penalty – 10 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Penalty 10 each.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10.”

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, change sides.”

Cheers Ory ;o)

At the club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Cheers Jeep ;o)